“I don’t bail! I’m still watching Smash, Criss!”

People don’t watch 30 Rock each week to gasp at unlikely twist and turns, or shake their fists at fist-shaking cliffhangers. They tune in to 30 Rock to watch the well-crafted tomfoolery sprinkled over whatever goofy plot they’ve conceived. Because of this, 30 Rock’s finale just means there won’t be any new 30 Rock for a while. We’re not going to get the satisfying feeling we get while watching that last gripping episode of Army Wives… did I say Army Wives? Ha, I meant to say Army Wiv… Game of Thrones! I meant to say Game of Thrones, because I’m a man and I loves me some blood and guts!

What was I talking about? Right, so last night’s 30 Rock finale, while ending some storylines in nice neat packages, was just a regular old funny episode of 30 Rock. And that’s how it should be. It wasn’t the funniest, wasn’t the worst, it was just right smack in the middle. Speaking of the middle, The Middle is still a show!

Liz

Over the past six years, Liz’s baby fever has ranged from a 104 (stealing someone else’s baby without realizing it) to a manageable yet uneasy feeling 100 (having fantasies about her plant growing up to be a proud gay college graduate).

We leave Liz this season with the latter degree, and with a steady, fairly normal boyfriend who wants to commit and have a “plant” together. Centered and settled Liz isn’t necessarily the funniest Liz, however seeing her end a season happily domesticated left me rather touched. ‘Tis rare for 30 Rock to unearth such an emotion…

Is “touched” an emotion? B

Jack

Ever since Avery’s return from Korea, Jack has been a Suspicious Susan. She claims she did nothing inappropriate with fellow prisoner Scott Scottsman, but old Jacky Boy just ain’t buyin’ that jive. Using his tricky rich white ways, Jack figures out that Avery and Scott used to speak intimately while in prison, using nothing more then intricate Morse code-like finger tapping. Because Jack has no leg to stand on due to the “French Canadian” kiss he shared with Avery’s mom, and because both Jack and Avery refuse to quit anything, they decide to bury their issues and get the vows renewed.

As much as I enjoy Elizabeth Banks, I have to say I’ve been getting a little tired of the whole Avery and Jack romance. It looks as though Tina and company feel the same way being that the episode ends with the two getting happily divorced.

So who will be Jack’s guest starring love interest next season? I’m putting my dollar-yollar-bill-ya’lls on Jocelyn Wildenstein. Prepare to Google and gasp. B-

Tracy

Tracy Jordan’s creative stupidity and outlandishly oddball dialogue is a staple in the 30 Rock world, so much so that it gets consistently mimicked by the public. As flattering as this is to folks who successfully molded this character, it’s teetering on becoming an issue (there’s a reason why Austin Powers will never be funny ever again).

The folks over at 30 Rock seem quite aware of this as they are slowly pulling the reigns on the comedy Clydesdale that is Tracy Jordan. There have been times this season where I was itching for more Tracy and did not get the sweet relief I desired, but I think in the grand scheme of things going with the “less is more” approach is the right thing to do.

For instance, Tracy was not a part of the main story at all last night and was only on screen for a couple of minutes, yet he made me laugh the most. In his little window of time he was able to let us know that he’s doing the voice of a lazy bottle of grape flavored soda named Funky Bobo in the upcoming Pixar movie about trash, call Dr. Cornel West Questlove, and share with us his black role models as a youth: Darth Vader, ninjas, and some black liquorice he tried to make into the shape of his dad. Nuff said. A-

Kenneth

A

_____________

Extra Credit

• Liz thinks that Criss whispers in her ear and gives her a kiss to wake her up every morning. He doesn’t, but this guy does…

• Criss named his van “Van Der Beek”. James is making quite the ironic comeback these days.
• Kristin Shaal

Demerits

• I just realized that Jonathan is no longer on the show. I miss Jonathan.

Community

“Not a lot of people get a second chance. Just you and probably Obama.” 

The fallout from the Star-Burns Wake Riot has the recently expelled Greendale Seven filing police reports against Chang, who has turned their beloved piece of crap former school into a Stalin-esque totalitarian dictatorship over which he’s ruling with an iron fist. But help from the authorities to reinstate the imprisoned Dean Pelton comes up short, prompting the study group to devise an elaborate costume-heavy heist to rescue him from deep within the fortressed walls of Greendale while Chang preoccupies himself with his 25th birthday extravaganza.

Taking all of the cues some cues from Ocean’s Eleven, the Greendale Seven’s intentionally-disastrous-as-a-diversion plot actually works until Chang catches them, backing them into a corner that only Troy’s under-the-table agreement with the Air Conditioning Repair School can get them out of. And so the dense fog of the darkest timeline commences its descent upon the group, with Troy forbidden to see his friends, Abed employing Britta’s help to sort through his psychoses, Pierce and Shirley suing each other over rightful ownership of the cafeteria’s new sandwich shop, and Jeff going toe-to-toe against Alan Connor, the former colleague that ratted him out to the state bar and essentially forced him to enroll in community college in the first place.

With the darkest timeline literally an extension cord’s length away, the choices to be made to salvage the group are as clear as a butthole on a Greendale flag: either Jeff and the gang put aside their selfish inclinations to help each other out, or they succumb to the mercy of the doomed fate that has been awaiting them all along.

Gilbert

He once sat on me in church just so he could see better.

Speaking of choices, wasn’t dumping that meaningless concept episode into the first half-hour an interesting one? Don’t get me wrong, I thought it was utterly fantastic and ripe with jokes for both tangential and niche video gamers alike. But in the grand scheme of things, i.e., when looking back on the night of the Season 3 finale, I fear that “Digital Estate Planning” was too disjointed and inconsequential to be remembered in time. Yet it did allow us to meet Gilbert Lawson, Pierce’s half brother from a blacker mother.

Gilbert maliciously invited Pierce and the gang over to Hawthorne Gaming Technologies to have him compete to win his father’s inheritance, only to hustle him out of it in front of all of his study group friends. It was a power grab by someone who has spent all of his life cast aside as the blacksheep (race pun!) of the family, and an admittedly self-centered act, which did actually pave the way for morals learned in the night’s later episodes.

I was so stoked to learn that the face of TV’s most heralded chicken-slinger Giancarlo Esposito was going to do a guest spot on Community, but am ultimately bummed that he was given this (so far) one-off role as a relatively distant relative of Pierce’s. But here’s hoping that Gilbert finds his way back to the gang next season. A-

Jeff

Jeff’s so close to passing Biology that he can almost taste it. Unless that’s the six pounds of eye shadow running down his face from his day spent as Ricky Nightshade, the rock ‘n’ roll magician. Regardless, he’s one final away from being done with class for the summer, and even opts to take a timeout from cramming in order to assist Shirley in her suit against Pierce over the rights to her sandwich shop idea.

In his closing argument, though, he acknowledges that helping yourself is futile and that all it takes to better yourself is to simply help one another. While I somewhat agree with this sentiment, Jeff didn’t really help out any of us by using his finger to literally scan for his final exam grade on the hallway bulletin borad (do/did schools ever actually do that?) and awkwardly pumping his fist in restrained celebration upon finding out that he passed like a Brat Pack movie. For serious, dude? It’s Biology 101. You should have learned what cellular mitosis was 19 years ago. But I won’t complain too much about Jeff tonight. After all, his hair did look inpeccable on his 8-bit self. B

Pierce

Hey! Don’t use “gay” as a derogatory term. Booyah! Good person.

Are we really supposed to believe that Pierce has made a turn for the better after Jeff’s feel-good courtroom pep talk? To a certain extent, yes, I guess we are. I mean he did bequeath his rightful inheritance to Gilbert and also insisted on the sandwich shop lawsuit against Shirley to be dropped. Yet I can’t help but think that despite these actions, he’ll still be the same misogynistic, racist, homophobic, jaded old jerkoff that, much to his own chagrin, routinely sits on his own nutsack. In other words, he’ll always be Chevy Chase. B-

Shirley

Who knew that fighting for what’s rightfully yours would somehow result in incriminating yet unrelated evidence being raked up to damage your character and jeopardize your future as a sandwich shop owner? Apparently Shirley didn’t when she made an ill-advised joke on Facebook about selling her son on Craigslist in order to “bump it with Denzel.” Damn you, Zuckerberg, and your faulty privacy settings. B+

Annie

Annie dressing up as one of Chang’s pubescent minions stirred up some very odd and confusing emotions for me personally, but I should probably save that analysis for another blog at a later time, preferably after dark. But I guess she did a good job of impersonating a little boy during Dean Heist 2012…and hugging everyone in the study group when they all reunited post-Shirley and Pierce’s hearing. Or something? I don’t know. There was a severe lack of Annie subplot over the span of these 90 minutes, probably because she doesn’t really have any loose ends to tie up. (At least not in the real world; 8-bit Annie, on the other hand, is a merciless, weapon-stealing, murderous arsonist.)

Since this is my first Community post (and probably last, now), I’m just going to grade Annie on her slow-motion sprint down the hallway from last year’s paintball episode. A+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Troy

Troy sacrificed himself for the sake of the gang when he admitted himself into the Air Conditioner Repair School as a trade-off for the study group escaping with Dean Pelton from Chang’s evil clutches. And coincidentally, just as Jeff was delivering his closing argument in court about helping others, Troy helps Murray, the newly-appointed vice dean, from dying in the Sun Chamber during their final showdown of who is the ultimate repairman, despite the fact that Murray murdered Vice Dean Laybourne in order to assert himself as the wishful “One True Handyman.” (RIP Vice Dean Laybourne.) Long story short, Troy is all sorts of awesome.

But what’s even more awesome than Troy fulfilling the prophecy of becoming the ultimate repairman? That his character in Journey to the Center of Hawkthorne JUMPS, not runs, EVERYWHERE HE GOES. I mean, did you really expect anything else? A

Britta

Abed asks Britta to be his therapist, and then turns the tables on her to get her to do all of the talking once he subjects her to his ideology that from here on out, the timeline for the study group is only going to get continually darker.

Big props to Britta, though, for not balking when (Evil) Abed claims that the darkest timeline is the “Britta of timelines, where everything’s the worst.” She knows it’s true. Also, this:

Sigh. If my heart didn’t already belong to Annie–and if Gillian Jacobs and I didn’t weirdly share the same birthday–there would be no end to all of the A’s I could give her. A-

Abed

You’re average, Britta Perry. You’re every kid on the playground that didn’t get picked on. You’re a business casual potted plant. A human white cell. You’re VH1, Robocop 2, and Back to the Future III. You’re the center slice of a square cheese pizza. Actually, that sounds delicious. I’m the center slice of a square cheese pizza. You’re Jim Belushi.

The lingering effects of Troy moving out and being enrolled full-time at the Air Conditioning Repair School are causing Abed to experience temporary insanity. Which honestly isn’t too far off from his very normal amount of insanity, except that this time he’s convinced himself that he must be the forceful issuer of all the events that constitute the darkest timeline. In other words, he’s affixed the fake black goatee to his face and became Evil Abed, putting himself within six seconds of severing off Jeff’s arm with a bone saw.

Although he didn’t play an integral role in “Introduction to Finality,” Abed’s foreboding arc did keep the stakes high, although we all knew that he wouldn’t really take a saw to Jeff’s arm, right? And that the darkest timeline had to ultimately be avoided, right?

I am a *little* skeptical though on what he plans to do with his own mini dreamatorium that he built in his bedroom, especially since that now he has that jump drive loaded with his 8-bit wife, Hilda… A-/C+ if you take a minute to think about the creepiness

Dean Pelton

He turns Greendale into a hard house/dubstep rave club called AcadeMania on the weekends in order to supplement the school’s income and keep it afloat. ‘Nuff said. A+

Chang

He’s a MONSTER of a keytar player, yet somehow he eluded any sort of legal repercussions for kidnapping the dean of a college for over two months, committing fraud, and milking the school out of hundreds of thousands of dollars? Weaksauce. Although it is humbling to see him back in the air ducts…but at City College for a chang(e), spying on Dean Spreck’s plans to conquer Greendale once and for all. C

_______________

Extra Credit

• “Fire can’t go through doors, stupid. It’s not a ghost.”
• The different names for Dean Pelton’s doppelgänger are “deanelgänger,” “doppeldeaner,” and “deanelchanger.”
• Abed’s maritally-woed, sterotypically Italian plumber impression pretty much wins my heart for best anything ever.
• Troy’s uncle might be Herman Cain? (“I have an uncle who makes his own pizza.”)
• I enjoy the callback to Skeeper’s Bar and the margaritas they serve in yard-long glasses, a.k.a. “yard margs.”
• The Rifleman’s Creed for the Air Conditioner Repair School on the chalkboard: ”This is my Limpken wrench! There are many like it but this one is mine! My Limpken wrench without me is useless–My Limpken wrench is a part of me.”
• Dean Pelton’s not joking. Banging your fresh thigh tattoo into the sharp corner of a redwood desk really stings…according to my friend, at least.
• Star-Burns lives! And he’s sporting a horrendous new ‘do! Blargh-Burns!
• Britta’s favorite superhero? X-Man.

Demerits

• While watching all three episodes on the couch with my dog, Abigail, I sang during commercial break, “Beej and Abbey watching TV!” to the tune of the “Troy and Abed” theme. Not really a demerit for Community, per se, but I figured I have to put something down here, and that was pretty lame thing for me to do.

Closing Argument

With the show’s future shrouded in mystery during the filming of these last few episodes, it’s hard to ignore how incredibly grim the series became in the latter third of the season. Yet through all of the turmoil in front of and behind the cameras, the study group, for better or worse, managed to wiggle free of the tightening chokehold the darkest timeline had them in.

I hope you guys, both old fans and new, tell all of your friends and your friends’ friends about this incredible show over the summer, and really give Community the viewership it so desperately deserves next fall…on Fridays. Barf, I know. But seriously. This show is just so, so great.

#sixseasonsandamovie
#anniesboobs

5.

4.

3.

2.

WINNER!!

Revenge
Season 1: Episode 21: “Grief”

“This is getting creepier and kinkier by the minute.”

Emily Thorne (Amandily)

 

Who do you think she's burying?

Daniel Grayson

“See through what, Porter? It’s a check, not a shoe bomb!”

You are making some daring moves by going against your mother behind her back and being a complete pawn for your father. Will this work in your favor? Choosing your loyalties to one parent over the other? Are we going to see you in a tux, marrying Emily Thorne? Season 2, I presume.

B

Victoria Grayson

Nolan Ross

Nolan "Hipster" Ross

Sigh. I love you. You deserve a spin-off for this role. I would love to see you seek validation all over America, befriending people, saying witty things… I’m really nervous now that you are in the hands of the grey-haired man. He’s going to torture you to get information… will you succumb? Will you spit blood in his face? I bet Takada and Emily save you before you’re killed. That’s my hope at least.

B+

Conrad Grayson

What you mean, you got evidence?

I don’t think you’re man enough to actually “protect” your son. I actually don’t think you’re man enough or wealthy enough to save yourself from all this. You’re like one of those pathetic business men who cowers and caves when the heat is turned up too high.

Anyway, now you’re schtooping Lydia? Not that I saw that coming but, I don’t know, why not take your money and run? Why stick around? You want to see this all go down to see if you can escape it. #Masochist.

 C

Jack Porter  

Daniel shows up and gives you a $1,000,000 check — because HE like the rest of US — wants you gone. You think it’s hush money (it is), to get you off Long Island and to Haiti (which, FYI, a million dollars would go a long way in Haiti, but even the $500 million we’ve sent hasn’t done much). Anyway, 5 words for you: TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN.

It was sad watching Sammy die — any animal death, even a bionic one that’s been around since dinosaurs ruled the Hamptons — is sad. So I’m going to go a little easier on you this week than I normally would (call it… sympathy?). But your kiss with Emily was so unfounded, since you’re in love with the idea of Amanda Clarke. Okay, one could argue this is the two of them realizing they belong together — but that makes no sense. He has never associated Amanda Clarke with anyone other than the girl he thought was Amanda Clarke. Sure, he thought this girl was cute, but he never thought it was HER. The kiss was stupid and meaningless but unfortunately, since Jack is such an idiot, would choose “love” over money. I just hope you come to your senses, change your mind, and say ahoy to Haiti.

D

Declan Porter & Charlotte Grayson

Oh shit, you two are back. Declan – you’re a p***y. That’s all I have to say. Some Yonkers ass comes into your life and you can’t tap it? If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my mother, it’s that “the way you get over one man is underneath another.” I’m sure the same thing applies if you’re straight. So, chop chop, and hop hop.

No one can be in rehab shorter than Lindsay Lohan, or so I thought. Charlotte, after the week before last committing to rehab, has decided her sobriety cannot compete with the sh*t going on in her house. So, screw the therapy, Charlotte’s moving onto heavy stuff — from pills to cocaine. Hey, at least she’s a climber — maybe she’ll end up in a coma at the end of this season, and be in it throughout season 2, and then if this show continues the way it is, it will get canceled and we will never know what happens to her. That’s fine, no one cares!

Declan — F
Charlotte — Cocaine!

_______________________

Extra Credit

• Ugh, nothing. Imagine a student showing up without his homework and on top of it, throwing mud in the teacher’s face. That’d be this episode.

Demerits

• Now, all of a sudden Lydia’s back and thinking of marrying Conrad? Some things on this show move so fast (this) and some things on this show take a long time to die (see Sammy).

Next week, the season finale. Then, I have the whole summer to grieve about how amazing this show was, and how terrible it ended. Hopefully by next fall, I’ll have gone through the five stages and be at acceptance.

“My senior year, I had a pretty crazy night myself involving a bottle of corn mash and an overturned plow.”

This must be during Lily's hormone treatments (you need 'em to grow that fast)

Finally, an episode that gets to the heart of the American family: FIGHTING — and I’m not talking about the Oscar nominated Channing Tatum film of the same name. I’m talking about the jealousy, lies, confrontations and bickering that are at the center of any well-rounded clan.

For example, a friend’s family, let’s call them the ‘Tennis’ family, may have a Facebook group that they use to update each other and plan family events. After Easter, there may or may not have been some passive aggressive comments left on the group wall. BUT despite that, or maybe because of it, the Tennis family is still doing great, Ace’s all around (tennis humor!). Maybe it’s because of that old saying “I’m always actually right but I will bury my angry feelings because I love you and you’re family.”  Sorry to use something so cliche, but who doesn’t love that one?

The Modern Family is a fighting MACHINE this episode: brother-in-law V. brother-in-law, sister-in-law V. brother-in-law, wife V. husband and finally cousin V. cousin. Who will win? You’ll have to read the grades to find out! *DRAMATIC MUSIC, LIGHT SHOW, COMMERCIAL BREAK*

Phil VS. Mitchell

Mitchell is doing Phil a favor by helping out with some contract work for Mr. Dunphy’s new real-estate company. Unfortunately, Mitchell’s a little swamped what with Lily, a real job, an upcoming adoption and let’s throw Cam’s mood swings in there as well. So he decides to slack just enough that Phil will ask him to stop helping out. Conversely, Phil is told to fire Mitchell by his team because of the late work he’s been turning in.

It seems like everything is coming together nicely, right? WRONG. Conflict! Drama! Television! Phil is incapable of actually firing Mitchell (he also has a hilarious tick of blinking entirely too much during confrontations) and Mitchell doesn’t have the guts to tell Phil he quits. So Mitchell comes to the office to tell Phil that he’ll leave after the agreed amount of time. Then Phil promptly fires him AS Mitchell gets stuck in an elevator. Of course, Mitchell is offended because even though he was going to quit, nobody likes getting fired. NOBODY!

This whole thing could have been avoided if Mitchell would have just said no in the first place. There’s nothing worse than saying yes to something and then half-assing it regardless of the excuse. Not that firing a family member makes a great person, but if it’s deserved, business is business (I’m a heartless monster).

WINNER– PHIL!

Phil — B
Mitchell — C

Claire VS. Cam

Cam and Mitchell are trying out a new parenting technique: They no longer tell Lily no. When Lily arrives in Claire’s house and starts flipping every light (and garbage disposal) switch, Claire puts her foot down. However, Cam tells Claire of their new plan and tries to misdirect Lily’s flipping with some tunes. Claire being Claire cannot stand not being correct, and Cam being Cam won’t compromise on his new idea.

Thanks to Alex THE WORST, this leads to Cam fishing for a spoon in the drain, getting stuck and watching in horror as Lily approaches, flipping away. Cam begs Claire to stop, but to prove a point, Claire makes him sweat it out as Lily quickly approaches the garbage disposal switch.

I literally though Claire might let Cam get his hand mutilated to pulp. This is how hardcore she is about knowing it all. In her defense though, most of Cam’s newly-found parenting techniques seem ridiculous. Not saying no to your children? As someone who rode 16 floors up in an elevator with two screaming toddlers this morning, I am certain that NO should be in every parents vocabulary. So who wins this round?

WINNER — CLAIRE!

Claire — A-
Cam — B

Jay VS. Gloria

Jay has a favorite diner. His favorite diner made a sandwich named after him. His favorite diner is also home to his favorite waitress: Maxine. Maxine is also at the center of this conflict. After taking Gloria to lunch to try his namesake, Jay is greeted by the harsh truth about his sandwich:

“It taste like a turkey and a fish beat each other to death with red peppers.”

Why so much hostility from this beautiful Colombian flower? Our friend the green-eyed monster. Gloria is jealous of Maxine’s relationship with her man. You see, Jay tells Maxine everything. Even some things he doesn’t tell Gloria. Now, in Jay’s defense, these are things he doesn’t want to worry her with. However, Gloria has every right to be upset that Jay isn’t always telling her the truth. All I know is that if I was married to Gloria I would NEVER complain. EVER. She can be loud, jealous, angry just as long as she looks like that. Not only am I heartless, I am shallow. SELF REALIZATIONS! And the winner is …

WINNER– GLORIA!

Jay– B-
Gloria– A-

Manny VS. Luke

Luke is getting a medal at school for putting out a fire! Luke also started the fire he put out! Manny disapproves. Yes you all heard it hear first: Manny is acting too old for his age. Instead of letting Luke revel in what will probably be his first and last medal, Manny let’s his jealousy (must be a Delgado thing) get the best of him and rats Luke out to the entire family (while they’re trying to portray Norman Rockwell’s ‘Freedom from Want’ for Alex’s art project).

This is very classic Luke/Manny stuff. Luke does something bad, Manny tells. I like it much better when these two work together. When they tricked their parents into doing their homework (Egg Drop) I was thrilled with their deviousness. It reminded me of the good ol’ days of plotting and scheming with my kin back in Ohio. (Wait until after they open the scotch before you ask if you can have the ice cream sandwiches, wait until they have their third scotch before you ask for another, repeat).

In the end, no one wins this one. While Manny technically did the right thing he still through his cuz under the bus. Luke is enterprising but lying just ain’t cool.

WINNER — DRAW!

Manny– D
Luke– C (Next time don’t get caught)

Alex

Being THE ABSOLUTE worst about her art project. Which was really just a plot device to get the family together, fighting, in one place. F

Extra Credit

• ALEX: I’ve never had a teacher not like me before.
  PHIL: Well, Miss Davis…
  ALEX: Please. She’s a gym teacher. She is to teaching what Dr. Seuss is to medicine.
  CLAIRE: And to think she didn’t like you…
• LUKE: I’m getting a medal at school because I put out a fire. Maybe that’s what I should be when I grow up… a professional medal-getter.
• GLORIA: I don’t understand – they named you after a sandwich?
• CLAIRE: Every new generation thinks they’ve cracked the code on child rearing. What’s the latest theory? ‘Never say no’. I say ‘no’ every day in this house.
  PHIL: But at night, she’s a Yes machine…
  CLAIRE: No.
• CAM: We’re doing this new thing where we let her tell us when she wants to take a nap. It’s called ‘being your own Nap Captain’.
• PHIL: I tried to break up with a girl, and I danced around it so much, she didn’t know I had broken up with her. Twenty years later, we’re still married.
• PHIL: Second-best hugger in the world, after Mr. Burt Reynolds. Story to follow.
• GLORIA: Is that jealous? Ay, my poor sisters!

Demerits

• Phil tried to dump Claire and because he didn’t have the balls they’re still married?
• Alex being a central part of the story
• Manny’s character development: where is it?

“It’s time to fight fire with the flaming flames of additional flaming gay fire.”

Congrats, you guys! We made it through the marathon 2-hour block of Glee. Much like actually running 26.2 miles, this stretch of television alternated between being exhilarating (Santana’s Gaga performance) and excruciating (Tina and Rachel’s dialogue in the car). The route was filled with setbacks (a TEASE of a Freaky Friday sequence) but also inspiration (Bieste!). Finally, we hit our wall (Lindsey Lohan, really!?) but as we approached the finish line, the confetti and hullabaloo proved our efforts worthwhile.

Thankfully we finished without any permanent injuries. (I assume the pain from Will and Emma’s sex montage searing into our eyeballs will dull with time.) Until then, let’s make like an athlete and ogle the trophy while basking in the glorious musk of our victory.

Tina

Tina is over being a human prop. Asian #1 wants a solo and she wants it NOW. Tina’s tired of being an Ashlee Simpson to Rachel’s Jessica – livin’ in the shadow of someone else’s dream (and Rachel Berry’s shadow is so large that a family of vampires could colonize it.) After challenging the status quo, she’s pacified by a conversation with… herself.

First, if two people switch bodies, BOTH of them should be aware of the transformation. That’s Freaky Friday 101. At the very least – Rachel should have been cognizant that she was Tina (which would have been taming for her monster ego). Second, there was moment where Tina (in Rachel’s body) was talking to Rachel (in Tina’s body) with absolute authority AS Rachel. But if Tina was aware that she was in Rachel’s body and Rachel wasn’t aware that she was still Rachel, wasn’t Tina just talking to herself? These are the kinds of deets that lead to spontaneous combustion.

I know it was a dream. I know Glee never makes sense. I just wanted more of this:

Can you blame me!? Also, nothing exciting has happened to Tina in three years and all of a sudden I’m supposed to care? To be honest, Rachel’s tantrums are WAY more interesting. Even while exploding out of her shell, Tina barely pops next to Miss Berry’s live-wire spark. Dear sweet, Glee, you’ve spent years telling me who your star is. A freaky fountain concussion and costume sweatshop aren’t going to change that. C-

Rachel

In the first fall finale of Glee, New Directions sang the immortal words of Mick Jagger, clearly articulating the adult challenge of reconciling disappointment. But now Glee is all, “J/K!” It turns out, you CAN always get what you want. Rachel has the man, gets a second chance at her NYADA audition and is surrounded by support of those in awe of her talent.

Which is a shame because what Rachel NEEDS is for someone to knock her little white ass off of the pedestal she’s built for herself. She’d gain real integrity by coping with the consequences of her failed audition and then formulating a plan B. Newsflash: in real life there are real consequences. Stalking Whoopi Goldberg didn’t help Patrick Swayze in Ghost and it certainly SHOULDN’T help Rachel now. Instead, Rachel beams under the spotlight of yet another standing O.

Choking at her audition was the most engaging thing that’s ever happened to Rach, I’m disappointed that it’s being fixed with Glee‘s magical wand. Yawn. I would fail her, but Celine’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me” is my go-to karaoke song. How can you not love this performance!?

C-

Puck & Bieste

“I should have known that Doosenberry was a lady lover when she didn’t climb aboard the Puck-wagon.”

This unlikely couple is bonded together by their love of Taylor Swift and their extra-curricular use of knives. Seriously, how heavy-handed were those knife shots!? This is yet another example where Glee can’t create a consistent tone. A plotline about domestic violence doesn’t mesh well against an A-story about a Freaky Friday dream adventure. It’s like putting a CareBear in The Hunger Games. (Although I think Katniss would get OWNED by a CareBear stare, right?) Because the story doesn’t get the weight it deserves, its emotional resonance is cheapened — which is a shame because Dot-Marie Jones and Mark Salling act the shit out of this scene.

Both Noah and Shannon’s breakdowns, respectively, are poignant and believable. While I’m not sure that wearing a dress earns you another chance at a test you failed, the potential of a rejuvenating fresh start was actually inspiring and — in a rare feat for Glee — sincere.

Bieste – A
Puck – B+

Sue

“I’ve ordered 18 little people – one of each of you.”

Appropriate prop suggestions: pom poms, confetti, ribbons

Inappropriate prop suggestions: welding equipment (Were those tools for welding? I have no idea! The closest I’ve come to metal work is using tweezers to untangle a necklace.)

Offensive prop suggestions: A HUMAN BEING.

Sue waffles back between being sensitive and sweet (embracing Bieste as she leaves her husband) and wildly ignorant (insisting that Kurt dress like a lady because he’s gay). Suggesting that Unique is a prop because he cross-dresses is degrading and undermines everything Glee has tried to message with Unique’s character. Sue’s “coaching” of the Glee Club is almost as terrible as Shuester’s… and that’s saying something.

D

Will

“I just don’t want everything we’ve worked for to collapse because of one bad burrito.”

Mr. Shue wins Teacher of the Year?!?!?! HE IS A SPANISH TEACHER THAT DOESN’T TEACH SPANISH!

F

Extra Credit

• Kurt and Blaine’s Jersey Shore Halloween costumes:

•  “This isn’t televised?”
• “Most people don’t realize I lost 10 pounds during that performance.” — Jesse St. James about his “Bohemian Rhapsody” rendition.
• Lindsey Lohan is introduced as “America’s sweetheart.” LOLZ!
• “I plan on using my retirement to finally kick my addiction to painkillers”

Demerits

• Quinn was paralyzed like two episodes ago — now, not only is she FINE, she’s picking up Santana:
  

  That's a healthy spine, right there!

• Vocal Adrenaline really was better than New Directions, right?
• There was a hint about Unique transferring to McKinley next year. In real life, you can’t just go to whatever school you feel like all the time. There are zoning laws, people!
• The human centipede as “the newest, hardest show choir move.” I wish Ryan Murphy would keep his dirty euphemisms to himself.
• I am refusing to acknowledge any of the Will and Emma sex scene for the sake of gag reflexes everywhere.

New Directions finally won Nationals and I’ve got to admit, it was pretty validating. I’m a sucker for a good victory parade scene (the Season 1 finale of Friday Night Lights is one of my favorite TV scenes EVER). But that’s sort of the thing about Glee — even though you can never justify why you spend a whole two hours of your life watching it, but you’re still cheering at the end.

YAYAYAYAYAY!

“Marvin Waitforit… Ericson.”

For better or worse, a full season’s worth of major plot developments were packed into last night’s two-part finale: Marshall and Lily had their baby! The identity of Barney’s bride is revealed! Ted runs away with a beloved ex-girlfriend!

In the first part of the finale, Lily goes into labor while Marshall is in Atlantic City with Barney. Marshall is drunk (Yoda drunk, to be specific) and can’t walk up a flight of two stairs, let alone formulate a coherent plan to get back to New York in time for the birth of his son. In his absence, Lily calls on Ted and Robin to do the supportive husband thing. They set aside the whole “Ted thinks he still loves Robin and is moping around like a brokenhearted baby thing” and tell Lily a bunch of stories to distract her from the pain of a little human bursting out of her lady parts. What stories? You know, classics like “Where does that door go? (A closet)” and ‘That time Barney tried (and failed) to pick-up women as the Terminator.”

After a false starts with a motorcycle and ATM, Marshall and Barney manage find a way to the city: a bus full of senior citizens. However, they somehow fail to realize that the bus is headed to Buffalo, not Manhattan. They try to talk the bus driver into taking a detour. Their speeches about the importance of being their for your child’s birth fall on deaf ears — but some of the old folks have hearing aids and fake heart attacks to get the bus to pull over. Marshall arrives just in time to inform Lily that he’s agreed to use Barney’s “wait for it” idea as their son’s middle name as a thank you for getting him back in time for the birth. Fortunately, she’s cool with it.

In the second half, Ted is sobered by the arrival of baby Marvin Waitforit Ericson. First, he can’t believe that the man who stapled his own shoulder in college and the woman who jumped into a car window after stealing a bunch of booze are parents. Second, he’s not any closer to having a family than he was seven years ago when Marshall and Lily’s last big milestone made him reconsider his life.

Robin, having none of Ted’s 103942th pity party, gives it to him straight: he has absolutely not been looking for “the One” all this time. She says what longtime viewers of this show have been thinking all along – if Ted was actually serious about settling down he wouldn’t have chased after Robin or Zoe or Stella or any of the host of other women he’s dated. In the seven years since he’s started to think about settling down he’s dated exactly one woman who fit the bill: Victoria. And then, after a lot of really wonderful truth-talking, Robin gives Ted some bad advice: call Victoria. She might not be engaged! She might be your happily ever after! Etc. Etc.

While Ted follows this bad advice, Barney is preparing to take Quinn on a romantic getaway to apologize for skipping town. They get stuck at airport security when Barney refuses to divulge what’s in his magic box — Magician’s Code. After a stand-off and an arrest, Barney finally does the trick at Quinn’s request. It’s a crazy elaborate proposal device: after all the whizzes and flashes and fast growing flowers, it produces a ring he uses to propose to Quinn.

At McClaren’s, Victoria shows up in her wedding gown. Ready to ditch her fiance at the alter and run away with Ted. An offer Ted takes her up on. Before concluding that she’s just scared and will regret not going back to the church. Before driving right past the church and into the sunset with Victoria, hand in hand.

And, if you didn’t pick-up on the fact that the Quinn proposal is a red herring, in a flash-forward the bride is revealed to be Robin.

Phew. Did you get all that? ‘Cause I forgot to mention Lily’s dad, Quinn’s renovation of Barney’s apartment, the worst cab ride ever, Robin as baby announcement photographer, and the origins of Barney’s devotion to the Magician’s code….

Ted

Robin finally calls Ted out on his ridiculous bullshit. He’s not a romantic. He’s not looking for the one. He’s chasing after everyone and everything that is going to end in heartache. However, it takes looking at a photo of himself holding Marvin to realize this. Looking at himself he realizes this guy isn’t anywhere closer to being a dad than he was seven years ago. And somehow, despite all these revelations and the knowledge of what it feels like to be left at the alter, he makes the terrible, no good, very bad decision to ride off into the sunset with Victoria. A woman he cheated on. A woman he hasn’t spent any significant amount of time with since they broke up six years ago. A woman who exists primarily as a symbol for a time he actually cared about finding the right person to settle down with.

It’s a horrible decision made that much worse by the fact that I love Victoria. I loved her in season 1. I loved her when she showed up earlier this season. And, against all odds, I love her for showing up at McClaren’s in her wedding dress. But she’s (probably) not going to be the mother and this story is (probably) going to be another one that ends in heartbreak. Only, this time it will actually bum me out. Which I guess is the point? Good going, show. I’m depressed thinking about a future when something depressing will (probably) happen. Ugh. C

Robin

Let’s be real, Robin bears some of the blame for the whole Victoria debacle. What kind of advice is “Call the woman you let get away six years ago, even though she’s likely still engaged”? That is some legitimately terrible advice. Her advice should have been “Start listening to women when they tell you they don’t see a future with you, establish a list of red flags that includes ‘married,’ and ‘still in love with ex.’” And what was with not telling Ted to drop it when the gang gathered in the bar? Ted needs guidance, not an echo chamber for his terrible decision-making.

On the plus side, Robin and Barney are getting married. I know this pairing is super divisive but, at least to me, they make sense. And Colbie Smulders is never better than when she’s in a scene with Neil Patrick Harris and vice versa. When Robin tells Barney she’s happy for him? All of the feelings. B

Barney

Barney is the only character who is excused from the the whole Ted/Victoria mess. He was squabbling with airport security at the time and so he’s clean. However, the whole “Barney continues to have blinders on about beloved childhood memories” is a little stale at this point. Also, proposing to Quinn? Everything about the doomed romance of Barney and Quinn bores me. I sorta feel like: we know he ends up with Robin, so why bother? Especially when he and Robin gets scenes like the “last chance” one in Marshall and Lily’s apartment.

Over the course of two episodes that were jam packed with big moments, plot twists and game-changers, their quiet scene was the only one that really got me. It played out like a miniature version of Ted and Victoria’s story except Barney’s request was couched in irony and Robin put on a brave face and let Barney go. We know, however, that they get their happy ending. That doesn’t bode well for Ted and Victoria. B

Marshall & Lily

With all the hullaballoo in the second half of the finale, Marshall and Lily’s big news got a little overshadowed. Which is interesting because Marvin Waitforit Ericson is likely to have to biggest impact on the dynamic of the group moving forward. In fact, we got a taste of the changes to come – Marshall and Lily can’t handle their friend’s drama unless it’s an 8 or higher. It’s going to be hard to hang out at a bar every night and deal with Ted and Barney’s never ending game of musical lovers when a tiny person needs attention all the time. Ted can’t believe his friends from college have a kid but if he had been paying attention, they’re a lot older and wiser now. A

Extra Credit

• Quinn’s inspiration for the redesign: the inside of Tinkerbell’s vagina
• Yoda Drunk
• “Waitforit” is a great middle name
• Marshall’s love of weddings and wedding dresses
• Is it wrong to want to institute an “Eight or Higher” system when you don’t have a baby?

Demerits

Hart of Dixie 

“I’d like to butter his biscuit. What? He looks like a man who enjoys a nice dairy spread on his bread products.” – Magnolia

After months of planning, breaking up to screw other people, and then more planning, the wedding of the century has finally arrived in Bluebell, Alabama.

Unfortunately, a massive, destructive storm arrived right behind it. Bummer.

And as George struggles to pull off the perfect alterna-wedding (and convince himself to actually show up), Dr. Zoe and Wade struggle to not murder each other and/or bang in a barn. Because that’s how people get diseases in their lady parts. Look it up. That’s also how baby goats turn into sex offenders. Don’t look that up.

Dr. Zoe & Wade

“I can see through your shirt when you do that.” – Wade
“Shut up…. Does it help?” – Dr. Zoe

Dr. Zoe can’t stand to be in Bluebell during George’s wedding, so she hijacks Lavon’s car for a shopping trip, which results in Wade getting stranded on the side of the road, Dr. Zoe picking him up, getting caught by the storm, taking refuge in an old barn, yelling at each other a lot, and then almost kissing like, 8 times. And then finally, FINALLY, they put aside their differences, head back to Dr. Zoe’s house, and get. it. on. All I can really say about these two is THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS, because that unresolved sexual tension was about to make me murder both of them. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some witty back and forth banter, and I like their dynamic went they both aren’t acting like dumbasses, but sometimes you just want people to stop yapping and start banging, ya know? But, I am super glad they waited until they both were showered and dry (before getting dirty and wet all over again, heeeyyy.) Something about the smell of goat manure, wet clothes, and a gaping wound on Dr. Zoe’s back doesn’t exactly sound like the most sterile place to let your junk out.

Pneumonia and Tetanus are natural aphrodisiacs.

Dr. Zoe – B+ Because, when the man she’s wanted since her first day in Bluebell shows up at her door when she’s just finished doing the hot boy next door, and kisses her – Dr. Zoe doesn’t kiss him back, ’cause she’s a lady. 
Wade –  B Because he finally stopped acting like a toddler and manned the hell up. Though, he kind of went from sulky, to semi-rape-y, to charming and sincere in an uncomfortably short time period. 

Lemon & George

It’s the day Lemon & George have been waiting for for years (minus that stretch of time when, you know, they both banged/wanted to bang other people) and instead of a happy day of joy and love it’s been one disaster after another. There’s the torrential downpour, a spilled-mimosa-on-white-dress, and at one point their wedding is literally crumbling into pieces around them.

And if that wasn’t stressful enough, George decides at the last possible minute that he kinda sorta doesn’t want to marry Lemon because he kinda sorta is in love with Dr. Zoe. WHAT? DICK MOVE. Naturally, Lemon is a little upset about this revelation and punches George in the face. And instead of taking some time to figure out exactly what he wants and feel the tiniest bit of remorse for fucking over his fiancee, George skips on over to Dr. Zoe’s house and tells her to forget everything he’s been hammering into her head the past few weeks about his love for Lemon, ’cause JK he really wants her. What a presumptuous little asshole. She’s supposed to just fall into your polo-covered arms and forget all of the emotional push and pull you’ve been putting her through? Ugh. No me gusta.

Lemon – B, for an A she would’ve needed to punch George in the dick as well.
George – D, for dickpunch.

Lavon

I could talk about how Lavon put aside his own feelings to help George plan Lemon’s perfect wedding, but instead I just want to say that Lavon Hayes is officially a part of my favorite picture that this show has ever produced:

Stop looking at me, Swan!

Lavon – A
The swan – F. Because those bitches are mean.

Number of times Lavon Hayes talks about himself in the third person: 2

____________

Extra Credit

• “I don’t think he cares about your abs, Wade.” – Whatever, Doc. You don’t know that goat’s life.
• Wilson Bethel’s back.
•  

Demerits

• If the series hadn’t been picked up for Season 2, and that’s how it ended, I would’ve FLIPPED ALL THE SHITS. But, I do admire the show’s writers for their cliff-hangy balls.

“Yes, Derek, we’re all under a lot of pressure but according to Equity, there are still breaks.”

About 12 hours ago the finale of Smash started with a major tease. A first person single camera shot of “someone” walking from backstage to Marilyn’s first position behind the curtain. Luckily Uma Thurman wasn’t in this ep so Quentin Tarantino probably wasn’t watching and puking at the terrible camera work. The finale tried to use its title, “Bombshell”, as double entendre — but non-spoiler alert: the bombs weren’t impactful for the viewer OR the characters:

• Ellis admitted poisoning Rebecca. No doy!
• Ivy had the engagement ring all along. No doy!
• Ivy admitted to F-ing Dev in a failed attempt to get Karen to quit the show. No double doy!
• Karen became Marilyn. Biggest no doy alive.
• No one died. That was surprising. I thought we were promised a death!?

Ivy, Karen & Dev

My dreams of these two being besties and Dev getting hit by a car were smashed last night (see what I did there??). My fave Ivy turned out to be a post-sex-hoarding Karen’s engagement ring in her purse, all the while telling Dev she didn’t have it.  You’ve got to admire her gumption, girl will do anything for a role. Don’t kid yourself, she’s bee like this ALL season long since episode 1 where she f-ed Derek. Ivy’s always been a wonderful little snake. I’m hoping that she takes that handful of pills and jams them directly into Dev’s mouth in the opening of Season 2.

As the French might say Karen’s transformation, “c’est complet.” Why would the French say it? I have no idea, they just would! Karen pulled off Marilyn, even though no one thought she could (except Derek obvi). Plus she got rid of that drip Dev (unfortunately not because he died in a pile up on I-95) leaving her open for sexing it up with Derek in Season 2. Overall, a good night.

Ivy –B+
Karen — A
Dev — D

Eileen & Ellis

“I’m not an assistant! I’m a Producer!”

It only took 15 hours of our lives, folks, but finally Ellis is fired! What kind of idiot admits to poisoning someone? Do you want to get arrested? And also, Ellis, how many times do I have to tell you, Producers don’t poison, they stab and shoot. Sheesh.

Eileen — B
Ellis — D

Julia & Tom

“She needs to make A PHONE CALL.”

Julia and Tom really shined last night. Jules was hilarious while screaming (see above quote), and was ridiculous in her Chico’s dashikis and oversized glasses. Tom was hardly featured at all which is in a word, perfection. He did do one amazing thing though: he just played random keys on the piano like a child while they were writing that new song. Hilarious. Well played, sir.

I’ll say these 2 things about Julia’s “pregnancy” scare. 1) Obvi it’s Michael’s since she and Frank can’t conceive which is dumb and 2) if that old hag is really pregnant, than I will GET PREGNANT and have a baby and name her Marilyn Smash Bombshell.

Derek

“This is who she is. She’s mine now… She’s mine if I can find her.”

Derek was in prime Derek-form last night. The weirdest thing he did was go into the wardrobe closet and pretty much masturbate to Karen and Ivy while fantasizing about them and touching Rebecca’s clothes. Creeeeeepsville. The lamest thing he did was tell Karen this right before she went on stage, “Whatever happens next don’t ever forget you’re a star and I do understand love.” So, now you’re in LOVE with Karen? Oh, pshaw!

Derek — B

Marilyn of the Week 

It’s a total tie! Karen killed it portraying Marilyn but Ivy was more like Marilyn if you ask me. And not just because of the pill popping. I feel like Marilyn would have f-ed over just about anyone who got in her way.

Extra Credit

• Deb Mess was so good in this ep. I love when she acts insane. More of that next season please.
• That stage manager! Damn, she is the BEST ever. More stage manger please. Also, she is nothing like any stage manager I have ever met who are usually socially retarded weirdos. #truth

Demerits

• That “extra” song that was supposed to save the show. SO bad. Honestly that song wants me to think about Marilyn every time someone is “in need of a hand”, every time I tell someone I love them and every time “I wish diamonds were free?” … Really? I prefer the suicide fade to black ending, but that just might be the Goth girl living inside me.
• Ellis’ weirdo suit. Tres Liberace. Too bad Ellis is only gay for pay.
• Nick Jonas being back for one weird minute.
• Jerry. Why didn’t Eileen throw a martini in his face! Boo.
• Leo. Ugh. Stop saving your parents marriage.
• Dev asking Ivy about the ring pretty much in front of the entire cast. IDIOT.
• Biggest demerit, that “”Bombshell” isn’t set to open on Broadway yet!

Now that I’ve said my piece, what do YOU all think of the Finale? Was it as bomb-tastic as you wanted it to be? And what will happen in Season 2!?