New Girl Season 1: Episode 24: “See Ya” “I took my fair share of rubber bands, so I don’t wanna hear about it.” Spoiler alert: Nick doesn’t move out! But we knew that, right? Nick was never going to move out. It was so transparently an effort to cover quick-fix all his life problems, even he couldn’t really believe he was doing it. When it came time to move in, what does he do?...
New Girl Season 1: Episode 22: “Tomatoes” “I think I finally understand what the ‘Tree of Life’ was about and I can’t be certain of this, but I’m almost positive that Nadia’s vagina contains a right angle.” Normally after each charmingly hilarious episode of New Girl, I end up singing the catchy theme song all night long. That’s still the case this time around, but now it’s a mash-up with Cheap Trick’s “Surrender.” Thanks,...
New Girl Season 1: Episode 21: “Kids” “Does he love stuff? I want to love what he loves!” In a pinch, Russell and his ex-wife Ulli turn to Jess to babysit their daughter Sarah for an afternoon. It’s probably not the best idea ever considering Jess is Sarah’s teacher and Dermot Mulroney’s episode order is almost up, but Jess manages the hormone tornado that is Sarah the best she can. Unfortunately, despite their promises,...
New Girl Season 1: Episode 20: “Normal” “I did have a lot of sex, thank you.” Jess is still dating Russell and after spending the week at his mansion place, Jess decides its time for him to spend a night at the loft. Jess gives the boys, who are alternately enthralled and repulsed by Russell, a lecture about behaving while he is in the loft. She initially implores them to “be cool” but realizes...
New Girl Season 1: Episode 19: “Secrets” “I can’t hear you—Diane Keaton is talking about her rich life full of good friends.” After five episodes, the cone of secrecy around Cee Cee and Schmidt has been lifted. It implausibly took a trip to Mexico, but through Nick’s (sweaty) inability to lie, here we are: Cee Cee and Schmidt’s affair is out in the open. Horrified by the fact that her friends don’t share everything,...
New Girl Season 1: Episode 17: “Fancyman (Pt 1)” “Don’t be intimidated because you’re younger, poorer and wetter than anyone in there.” Let’s ignore the fact that this episode raises (and then subsequently ignores) a bunch of problematic issues around class, gender and power and focus on the fact that this week was really funny. Put the icky implications of a grown-ass man aggressively pursuing a woman as child-like as Jess (and the ethics...
New Girl Season 1: Episode 15: “Injured” Surprise: Nick doesn’t have cancer! But we spend an entire episode pretending that he might because everyone on this show is either a hypochondriac or a drama queen. It all starts when Jess super believably tackles Nick during a touch football game. After Nick gets in to a parking lot fender-bender with Winston, Jess drags him to her doctor friend Sade’s office. You remember Sade, right? She’s...
New Girl Season 1: Episode 14: “Bully” “What am I, your sex dog?” Schmidt and Cee Cee’s one night stand has turned into a multiple night stand. Cee Cee isn’t even the littlest bit subtle about the shame she feels about the situation, but Schmidt doesn’t care because he’s having sex with the dopest, flyest, smartest, ballsiest girl he knows. It’s hands down the best thing that’s ever happened to him — even if...
New Girl Season 1: Episode 13: “Valentine’s Day” “I’m gonna eat lunch off that butt.” Jess is on a mission: she’s feeling horny twirly and wants to get some Valentine’s Day booty. Fortunately, she has Schmidt to guide her through the treacherous waters of one night stands: she needs a guy she’s attracted to but has little in common with, she needs to steer clear of any potential emotional connection, and, God help her...
New Girl Season 1: Episode 12: “The Landlord” “I see the worst in people because people are the worst.” This week Jess’s desire to see the good in everyone lands her in an uncomfortable situation, Schmidt gets arrested for hooking up with his boss, Winston continues to mill around the loft in a totally extraneous c-plot. Yawn. Whatever. Here’s the kicker: Nick is the episode’s voice of reason. For real! He spends the entire...
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