Like you (and this will probably be the first and only time that I ever say that, because I am generally acknowledged to be the weirdest person on Earth), I had never heard of Downton Abbey (not down-town, not down-tun, but down-tin) until about a month ago, when everybody started talking about it and in-the-know critics started bitching about how much its second season sucked.

Having exhausted my stock of Jane Austen movies and BBC miniseries, I investigated and found the entirety of the first season available for streaming on Netflix, and then thirteen hours later, began streaming the second season (which thankfully has already aired in Britain) through various shady sites on the internet, found myself utterly devastated that I had to wait until January 8 for the second season to air stateside.

So aren’t you lucky – your timing is absolutely perfect!

But, if somehow you remain somehow unconvinced by all the hype and the well-deserved Golden Globe nominations and wins, I really don’t even know what the fuck to say to you. You’re probably one of those people who also refuses to upgrade to new versions of iTunes, switch from AOL to Gmail or get a damn smartphone. And what does one say to such a person, who apparently prefers live a life without Smart Playlists, GChat, or 24/7 access to email?

I don’t know. But here’s what I do know:

If you’re a fan of Gossip Girl, Edith Wharton, Gosford Park,  Notting Hill or well-written, beautifully produced period dramas,  you will love this show;

If you love Maggie Smith and also enjoy hearing your incisive, rude thoughts said out loud by someone else at exactly the moment you’re thinking them, you will love this show;

If your football teams have already been eliminated from the playoffs (tear, Broncos and Ravens) and you’re desperate for something to watch on Sunday nights until Mad Men comes back on in March, you will love this show;

If watching rich, beautiful, well-spoken people makes you feel more wealthy, attractive and articulate, you will love this show.

Since there it is impossible that you don’t fall into one of those four categories, here’s a step-by-step guide to your new Downton Abbey addiction:

1. Watch the entire first season on Netflix, or buy it on iTunes.  Thanks to the assholes who took down Mega Upload those wonderful people in government and law enforcement who are protecting our nation’s copyright laws, you won’t be able to stream it illegally online.
2. Download the Downton Abbey soundtrack from iTunes. Soon, you’ll listen to it as you fall asleep, during your commute and while practicing your British accent.
3. Read Testament of Youth, Goodbye to All That, The Guns of August, The Good Soldier, Mrs. Dalloway and All Quiet on the Western Front. I would also recommend a membership at Barnes and Noble, where members get 10% off purchases and free express shipping online (while I was initially reluctant, I’m even more reluctant to imagine a world without bookstores, so I decided to stop buying books from Amazon).
4. Watch A Very Long Engagement, or, if you either don’t speak French or are a slow reader and thus unable to handle subtitles, War Horse.
5. Book a trip to London and visit the Imperial War Museum, and then hop on a train to visit Highclere Castle, where the show is filmed.
6. Upon your return home, polish your sterling silver tea service, brew a pot of tea and sit immediately in front of your television on Sunday nights with the channel tuned to PBS (the same channel as Sesame Street).

Then, obviously, read my recaps and comment accordingly.

Tags: Downton Abbey, PBS